As. If.

So today I started to feel a little pressure.  Or…panic might be a better word…panic is good.

As I mentioned in my first post, I ended 2011 talking about how the year 2012 was going to be The Year of What If.  I decided to start this blog as a way to actually force myself to do something every day that would make me a better person.  Or maybe to just live better and more deliberately.  I signed-up for my page, told a very select few of my friends, and off I went.  My friends, as I’ve mentioned, are wicked awesome so they of course were incredibly supportive.  As the days have gone by (it’s only been seven) I’ve gotten more comfortable with it all and I’ve told a few more people.

Today I was feeling brave and I asked some of my friends, if they were so inclined, to tell more people about theyearofwhatif.  Then something crazy happened.  Not only did many more people visit the site today, but I received positive feedback from people that weren’t friends of mine.  Initially I was shocked and so so grateful for the comments.  And then something started to set in.  STRAIGHT.  UP.  FEAR.

Holy sh-t.  What if I can’t come up with a “what if” every day?  What if I have a day-from-hell and I can’t write until the next morning?  What if I sound preachy?  What if after I do several bigger (meaningful) “what ifs” I can only think of little ones like doing push-ups every day or starting to write letters to my Grandma?  What if there literally isn’t enough to talk about for a full 361 (let’s remember that I failed to start this blog on-time and thus will only have 361 “what ifs” in 2012) days?!!  Oh my God…what if this wasn’t such a good idea after all?!!

Here’s the thing.  It also occurred to me that in my attempts to live better and talk about it publicly, I’ll also be exposing many of my faults, and that my friends is a teensy bit frightening.  So what if I’m not actually worried about any of the things above so much as I am about making myself sound like an idiot?  Or snotty?  Or something else that’s not very attractive or likable?

Maybe I should decide that this was a fun experiment and all but I’m going to go ahead and shut it down and save myself from a) having to use my brain and my creativity to come up with a new “what if” every day, b) letting you all in on my less-than-lovely qualities, and c) the pressure of writing posts that you will enjoy at least a little.

But…wait…but…AS!  IF!  I’m not…okay, what I’m not going to do is use the word that first came to my mind…I’m not a scaredy cat.  I’m not a pushover.  And I’m certainly not stupid enough to waste this opportunity.  Right?  RIGHT?!

Pause…silence…crickets…

Okay…right.

So I’m going to keep going and really really hope that I can continue to come up with good ones.  And really really hope that you won’t feel like it’s a waste of your time to read them.

Today:  What if I have the chutzpah to keep writing even when it’s scary?  Huh…this actually IS a good one now that I put it like that.  I run into things that are scary and intimidating all the time.  What if I have the chutzpah to take-on all of the scary things head on?  Well…wouldn’t THAT be something?


One thought on “As. If.

  1. Carrie you’re brave, insightful, and funny! Reading your blog is like reading my own journal. I keep thinking… yep that’s exactly what I would have said/done/thought in that situation.

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