Wife. (Or. The. Amazing. Kreskin.) Wanted.

I need a wife.  Plain.  And.  Simple.

Yesterday I left for work at 6:15am.  I got home at 8pm.  In between those ridiculous hours I went to work, saved the world, picked-up the little girls, plowed through homework, reading, spelling, dinner, gymnastics, and grocery shopping (while the little girls were in gymnastics).  Wait, let me be more clear, I did all of that AND grocery shopped IN.  HEELS.  Okay fine, I may not have actually saved the world, but it felt like it.  I digress…when the little girls were finally tucked into bed I was exhausted and my feet were begging to be taken out of commission.  Which would have been fine if I didn’t have to put away the groceries, make myself dinner, write, and prepare all of us for another day (i.e. make cold lunches, make sure homework is in folders and in backpacks, put my briefcase back in the car, and so on, and so on).

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand that wives make this world go ’round.  They smooth the road for those they love, they make things happen seemingly without effort, they read minds, they take matters into their own hands, and they singlehandedly manage everything.  And yet, I’m starting to suspect that those for whom we do everything, don’t actually realize we’re doing it.  We’re THAT.  GOOD.

Case in point…the following is a common conversation in our household…

Husband: We’re running low on rice.
Me: No.
Husband: Yes we are, we’re running low on rice.
Me: No.
Husband: Can you just grab some the next time you grocery shop?  Oh…Cheerios too?
Me: Rice, top shelf on the left.  Cheerios, bottom shelf on the left.
Husband: Yeah…well…I need pomade.

My husband and little girls needn’t say anything more than “I’m getting low on…,” or “can we try…,” or “we’re out of…” and it magically shows up in their lives. I’m not talking about toys or gifts, my little girls rarely get anything that isn’t related to a holiday or special event, but when it comes to necessities I love being able to provide the things my family needs.  I have a shopping app on my iPhone and I’m constantly updating it based upon what I hear and see in my household.

Here’s the thing.  Sometimes a sister could use a little help.  When I say out loud “oh no, I’m almost out of foundation and mascara!” it doesn’t magically appear within days.  Even though my husband works two blocks from a mall where he could easily pick-up both.  I use skin products that are sold, conveniently, at a little shop across the street from my husband’s office.  And yet when I exclaim “I’m out of facewash!” he doesn’t run over the next day to grab me a new bottle.  Furthermore when I talk about the fact that our house being in disorder makes me feel really stressed and overwhelmed, and he knows how much I suck when I’m stressed and overwhelmed, it doesn’t inspire him to act.  It’s like…well it’ like…it’s like people have to be TOLD what to do.  I would much prefer that everyone were adept at reading minds like we wives are.

We wives…we have a heightened sense of what’s happening around us, of the habits/needs/desires of our loved ones, and an understanding of how it all fits together.  Husbands?  Children?  They do not have said awareness.  Apparently you actually have to ask for what you want.  With explicit details…”can you please run the dishwasher before you leave for work TODAY?”  The trouble is…we wives also like to feel like we have everything under control…and when we’re forced to ask for help it feels both like we’re admitting we can’t do it all (perish the thought!) and like we’re giving up a bit of control (eeek!!!).  Not necessarily in our nature.  Certainly not in mine.

But then we’re stuck.  I get to a point where my foundation is a funny color and it makes my face a little orange, I have to wash my face with a bar of soap or try to remove my waterproof mascara with…just…water, and I find myself grocery shopping in heels at 7:30pm because I’m unwilling to spell out what I actually want and need from those around me to stay sane.

I want someone to pick things up for me if I’m running low (and it happens to be ACROSS THE STREET FROM THEIR OFFICE).  I want someone to send me calendar notices of things I should have on my schedule.  I want someone to listen to the words that are coming out of my mouth and simply act upon what they hear.  I.  WANT.  A.  WIFE.  Or a mind reader.

And yet…truth be told…I’m not going to get either.  Sigh.

So the thing is…I’m either going to a) do every single thing myself (as awful as it sounds…at least I know it’d all be done “right”), or b) ask for help and tell people what I want/need (bleck).

But I do need foundation.  And mascara.  And facewash.  Sh-t.

TODAY:  What if I start verbalizing what I need my husband and little girls to do to help me get it all done?  What if instead of combing Craig’s Lists for “wives for hire” I make mini-wives out of my husband and little girls?

Oh my God…wives for hire…GENIUS business idea!!!


4 thoughts on “Wife. (Or. The. Amazing. Kreskin.) Wanted.

  1. I believe in being selfish. So my model would be the selfish wife (person). How can you be any good to anyone else if you don’t take care of yourself first? Really like the analogy of putting your own ox mask on first! And then Ask away for what you need… Your family loves and adores you. They will come through.

  2. Fortunately for me I staged a ‘partnership’ arrangement …never having bought into the ‘wife’ experience even during my first marriage. The traditional deal didn’t work for me as I was/am a women’s libber what can I say? Everyone has a different outlook/yearning/experience…not one marriage looks like another…you can be do or have whatever you want if you can see clearly now…(song). 🙂 Rock on…

  3. i need a husband to love and a family. i am hurting right now. i need a break……And a career……i’ll marry you right now…..i need to loved

    1. Oooff. I know how it feels to need a break and feel lonely. My only suggestion is to focus on where you want to be and not on what you don’t have. It’s a daily struggle but in my experience it’s the only thing that helps make the changes to get you there.

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