Adventures. In. Denial. And. Clarity.

You know those moments when everything becomes crystal clear and you suddenly see the paths to get you where you want to be and you’re no longer wondering ‘how can I make all of this work?’ or ‘how can I focus on this or that?’ or ‘how the eff will I accomplish all of the things I want to accomplish?’  Yes…well…I’ve just had one of those.

A couple of weeks ago my husband and I were golfing.  He is really committed to becoming a better golfer.  He watches YouTube videos to better his swing, he soaks in advice from friends who are really good, and he watches the golf channel just hoping for bits of information that might help his game.  As such, he is also intent on improving my golf game.  I on the other hand just really enjoy the experience of golfing.  I like the etiquette involved, I like the outfits, I like being outside in the peace and quiet with nothing pressing on which to focus, I love the physicality of the game, I love riding in the cart with my husband while he smokes a fabulous smelling cigar, and I love to enjoy a cold beer while we ride and the wind blows through my hair.  Of course there’s no doubt I’m competitive, and I’d love to be better, but my poor golf skills don’t usually hinder my ability to enjoy myself.

Regardless of my feelings my husband is quick to offer advice if he thinks it will help my game, and to put it mildly, it makes me want to murder him and bury him in the woods past the fairway.  So when a couple of weeks ago we had our standing weekly game, and he was sure he’d figured out how to improve my swing, to prove his point he took video of my current swing.  Irritated that he was taking it this far, I shunned the video, and never watched it.

That is…until this morning.  I had meetings on my side of town all day today, and between them I ran to my home office to get some emails sent and calls made.  I plugged my iPhone into my laptop to charge, and up popped the iPhoto prompt asking if I’d like to download the photos and video from my phone.  ‘Wait…video?’ I thought as I opened it up.

Sweet Jesus.  There were pearls, there was argyle, there was a fabulous golf skirt, and yet…it wasn’t good.  It wasn’t good at all.  In addition to my grave dismay with how out of shape I look…my golf swing is most certainly not going to get me on the PGA Tour.  Double whammy.

It always amazes me how protective our minds are of our psyche.  Or, perhaps, how good we are at lying to ourselves.  Years ago when I was big, I had no idea how big I was until later when I saw pictures, and it straight-up shocked me.  SHOCKED me.  Similarly, when I lost the weight and had to buy all new clothes, I could not get my head around the fact that I was now a size 8.  I’d stand looking in the mirror, shaking my head at my girlfriends or the women working, and thinking that there must be some sort of mistake.  It’s as if we make-up our minds about our size and regardless of what stares back at us we just don’t see it.

And thus, as I’ve battled through injury and pain issues this spring, I’ve looked in the mirror and thought that I could certainly be in better shape but that it could surely wait until I figured out the exercise part.  And then it’s *possible* as I’ve exercised less and less that I’ve also taken less and less time to think about what I’m eating.  And now here I am…months after I proclaimed I had 20 lbs to lose, and months after I proclaimed that oops I actually needed to lose 25 lbs, now proclaiming that DEAR GOD I need to lose 40 lbs.  HOLY HELL!!!

Friends?  Desperate times call for desperate measures.  I’m starting an adventure in weight loss tomorrow.  My mom and I are doing it together and we mean business…so don’t cross us.  And…okay this is hard for me to say out loud, or type, or even think…but…

I am going to ATTEMPT to (cough, cough)…
quit (gasping for air)…
Diet (tears streaming down my cheeks)…
Coke (I feel a full-fledged panic attack coming-on).

OhmyGod…ohmyGod…ohmyGod…ohmyGod.

Look.  I told you I wanted to TRANSFORM.  I told you I wanted to improve my life one “what if” at a time.  And sometimes, like today when I nearly fell out of my chair watching the video of my golf swing, that means tough love.  TOUGH LOVE PEOPLE.

In four months I could be close to my goal, Diet Coke free, and feel so much better.  In addition, somehow as I’ve gone through this process today, I suddenly have a clear path of what I want to do with work, with this blog, with a NEW blog I’ve been considering, and it all works so perfectly into the plans we already have for the summer.  By fall there is going to be a lot to celebrate.  By fall I will be well on my way to being transformed!

Deep breath.  Right now I’m going to enjoy what will hopefully be one of my last Diet Cokes before we start our adventure tomorrow…and to contemplate the feasibility of holding-up a plastic surgery clinic to do this the easy way.

TODAY:  What if I sometimes have to take a long look in the mirror (or at a homemade video of me in a golf skirt) to see if what I’ve been telling myself is the truth?  What if simply starting to take action allows the rest of the things swirling above my head to start falling into place?  And what if I invest in some golf pants until I have this whole mess cleared up?

PS – I will miss you Diet Coke.  I will miss you.  Sigh.  (I.  AM.  SOBBING.)

PPS – I’m not really sobbing but I am very very sad.

PPPS – I may be sobbing by this time tomorrow.  And yelling.  And screaming.  And throwing things.  It is a damn good thing we don’t have the little girls this weekend.  They do not need to see this kind of crazy.


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