You know when you want to do something really scary and you’re pretty sure that if you do the world will come to an end? Or it won’t, but since you don’t know for sure you decide that the world will most likely come to an end? And you fret, and you analyze, and you go over it a million times? And then you just do it…and…not only does the world not end but it becomes a better place?
Yes, well, that’s what yesterday felt like for me. I had no idea that “hiding” my identity had affected me so. As I went through the day, receiving resounding support from both friends and strangers alike, I felt like someone had just given me back the keys to my own car after keeping them from me for the past several months. And I realized how much power I’d given my fears and apprehensions. Those things don’t exist in my life unless I allow them to. I’d not only allowed them to hold an enormous amount of power but I fed into them daily by hiding.
I’ve allowed myself to be consumed by fear and anxiety but yesterday when I woke up? All of that had dissipated. I suddenly felt inspired and excited about this blog for the first time in a long time. And then I realized something incredibly sad. Because I’ve put so much energy into hiding and fear and anxiety (none of which look good on me at all) I’ve allowed those things to seep into my life elsewhere. I don’t have the ability to multitask fear, anxiety, and say…glee. Or joy. Or ambition. Or exuberant self-confidence. Or success for that matter. I’m not wired that way. So when I made a conscious decision to hide something that, to be honest, I’m really proud of and really so excited about? I also made a subconscious decision to go ahead and be scared, anxious, and kind of sad.
Over the past 24 hours I’ve been filled with excitement, and pride, and joy, and gratitude. It seems that showing my face, saying my name, and revealing the truth DOES look good on me. But since I’ve gotten “comfortable” with hiding and being a scaredy cat over the past couple months, it’s going to take some work to remind myself that it’s a new day, and it’s time to kindly show fear the door. I’d be lying if I pretended that fear hasn’t tried to rear its ugly head. I’ve shared my struggles with fear before. Fear of failure is something I’ve grappled with for years. But I don’t think I’ve ever understood, until just yesterday, how feeding into my own fears cuts me off from being truly happy.
I am most powerful when I am confident in what I’m doing, what I’m saying, and the kind of life I’m leading. When I’m hiding behind fear and anxiety I can’t do any of that. So this here post is my attempt to declare, out loud, that I’m taking the power back. I’m ready to usher-in the kind of goodness that only comes when you are out in the open, with your face towards the sun, living as best you can. Bring it.
TODAY: What if it’s time to take the power back? What if giving any amount of power and energy to fear jeopardizes my ability to be truly happy?
2 thoughts on “Take. The. Power. Back.”
Great stuff! It would be interesting for you to consider how it must be for young people in school…adults in the workplace…..to have to ‘hide’ their life as a GLBTQ…for reasons of safety, job security, and ?????
I’ve been thinking a lot about that. It breaks my heart. I was hiding something so small in comparison.