MAMACADABRA

I can’t forget to text my hair girl that I have to reschedule my appointment…and I have to call the clinic to schedule an adjustment…wait…when is that birthday party my oldest little girl has to attend?…next week?…right?…we have to get a gift…oh!…A Caring Bridge update…have to open that…I have to remember to send my grandma a letter with a picture of us and a book of our wedding…I have to do that this week…what’s the goal for July?…$800,000?…I think I have dry cleaning to pick-up…what am I going to make for dinner…sh-t…the class for which I’ve signed-up starts tonight but it’s eastern time…that means 5:30 not 6:30…I need a new book…is that damn chipmunk in the garage again?…I’m hungry.

This my friends?  This is my mind right now.  I am 100% completely distracted.  I can’t focus on anything.

We returned from Phoenix early Sunday night.  I came home to a beautiful brand new shower…my husband did a fabulous job…and a house that was for the most part clean!  But I was exhausted.  Man…that “dry heat” everyone raves about?  It kicked my a-s.  It was 115 degrees on the hottest day and two of the three nights we were there, I exercised after it was dark when it had cooled to 104, and it kicked my a-s good.

When I got home my house was empty, other than Sully, and I just wanted to die in a pile.  But he needed a walk.  And, as it turns out, he wasn’t so happy with me.  It was the first time I’d left him since we got him as a puppy and he was miffed.

Yesterday I took a day to recover.  Laundry, a trip to the Goodwill, unpacking, and putting things away.  The little girls started a week-long day camp so I took them there and back.  I was running around all day and by the end of it, by the time my husband got home from school last night, I was again…exhausted.  Too exhausted, in fact, to let it go when he asked “are you SURE you want to do this???  Are you SURE you want to retake the LSAT?”  He has reason to question it…I’ve said this before.  I’ve made plans and have broken them.  I’ve jumped on ideas with fanfare and let them slide off without notice.  It’s kind of been my schtick since we’ve been together.  But I was too tired to have a normal conversation about that last night.  And I got pissed.

Here’s the thing…I am really distracted right now.  This ailing relatives thing?  It’s no joke.  And worrying takes a lot of energy.  I’m not a worrier by nature, I never have been, so it’s power to suck all of my energy has taken me by surprise.  And home renovations?  They too are no joke.  They cost money, and time, and energy, and test patience.  Not to mention the layer of thick dust that settles in like a fifth roommate.

But interestingly, ever since I decided to move forward with my lifelong dream of going to law school?  Everything in our life (big picture) is clear, and bright, and perfect.  I have a clear picture of where I want to be, what it will take, and how to get there.  I have laser sharp focus when it comes to that and I’m a little bit unstoppable.

The worry, and home renovations, and the “right now” that feels like a complete contradiction to the future?  These things are mucking up my mind and rendering me a little bit useless.  A little bit overwhelmed.  And a little bit lost.

Usually all it takes for me to get past this is exercise.  It clears my head and allows me to find direction and focus.  But I’ve been exercising a lot and it’s not making the difference I’d hoped.  Maybe it’s meditation.  Or maybe it’s reverting to lists to keep things moving.  But no matter what, I think at least for the time being, it’s taking things one day at a time.

Tonight I start a three-month course to prepare me to retake the LSAT.  Right this second all I can think about are the many things I could be doing instead that would make my life easier.  Cleaning the house, cleaning out the refrigerator, writing since I missed so many days when in AZ, or going to the gym.  But instead I’m going to buckle down, go after this dream of mine, and let go of the distractions at least for tonight.  Then tomorrow morning I’ll try to do it all over again.

TODAY:  What if the only way to get over feeling distracted is to focus on one thing and one day at a time?  What if I keep moving forward despite my actual desire to crawl into bed for a week?  And what if I stop fretting and start doing?