Yesterday, my friends? I hit the wall.
I. Hit. The. Wall. Let me break it down for you…
I had a fabulous weekend. Fabulous. One of those weekends you don’t want to end. One of those weekends that makes you grateful you’re with your partner. My husband and I? We really like each other. Yes, we’ve faced some challenges this summer, but the kind that I’m so glad we’ve faced because it will make us stronger and we will be better to each other. We hung out all day Saturday and went to a concert that night. And truly? It was like we were kids. We were so excited to see the band, we bought t-shirts and I may or may not have also bought a sweatshirt from the venue, and we had such a good time.
Friday night I spent time with girlfriends, Sunday I spent time with my mom, and it was the perfect sample weekend of this life that I really really enjoy. I am so lucky to have a pretty great life. I adore my husband, I can’t live without my girlfriends, my family is totally awesome, and my little girls? Forget about it. They are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I love our home. I love our neighborhood. I love the things we have planned for this fall, for next year, for the next five years, and for our future.
Are there unknowns? Sure there are. Are there things that irritate me from time to time? Yes. Are there things I sometimes give far too much power? Indeed. But for the most part? I’m livin’ the dream.
Except…umm…this one little thing. For nearly as long as I’ve been writing this blog there has been one aspect of my life that I just cannot enjoy for the life of me. And never has it been more blatantly clear than at the conclusion of this past wonderful weekend when suddenly I started to really dread what came next. And when yesterday came, and went, filled with a kind of crazy I don’t want to touch with a ten foot pole I hit the wall.
You can’t reason with crazy. You can’t function in crazy…or at least I can’t. You can’t achieve, succeed, move forward, or win when surrounded by crazy.
Here’s the deal. It’s complicated. Of course it is. And, as I may have mentioned before, I can convince myself of just about anything. So…things like “I can wait this out.” Or “I can make this work.” Or “it’s not that bad.” Or “I can stay under the radar and it won’t affect me.” I can tell myself these things over and over but you know what it doesn’t change? It doesn’t change the fact that I’m miserable.
It’s like when I go to Target for a big grocery trip. I know I’m going to be there for a while, and I’m going to fill the cart as full as it can get without tipping over, and as I begin to make my way into the store I realize there is a squeaky and sticky wheel. And I start pushing through Target, in a great mood, grateful to be getting the things my family needs (I’m a little dorky like that…I also have a weird love for paying bills). And the wheel is annoying but I can handle it. As the cart gets more and more full, the wheel is more and more awful, and by the end of the Target trip I’m a) crabby, b) forgetting things I need because I’m focused on the stupid wheel that is likely annoying everyone around me in addition to myself, and c) so mad at myself for not simply switching carts when I figured out it was a problem. At the beginning of the trip.
I’m making my way through this fabulous life. In just about every aspect of it I’m blissfully happy. Everything is flowing, and grooving, and moving in the right direction. But the more days that pass that I don’t actually deal with this one part that is horrible? The less I’m able to enjoy the rest of it. And suddenly things aren’t seeming to flow or groove anymore. Things seem off and out of sorts.
There is no good reason to allow one thing to dim the shine of the rest of my life.
There is no good reason to participate in something that makes me miserable.
There is no good reason to “wait it out” when there is a possibility I just don’t have to.
So last night and today I am finally resolved to do something about it. It’s scary, and complicated, and is going to take some work but I’d really just love to be able to…oh I don’t know…enjoy my life as much as possible. Is that too much to ask???
TODAY: What if I stop pretending things will get better, or be fine, and I do what I can to change the situation? What if it’s time to kick things into high gear so I can enjoy my life the way I should?