I’ve told you before that I used to be fat? No truly…there was a time when I weighed 248 lbs. I’m 5’5″…and if I’m being completely honest, there was this one time a couple of years ago when a nurse was taking my height and she actually uttered the words “okay then, you’re 5’4″.” I don’t buy that for a second…but in the spirit of full disclosure…it’s *possible* that I was 248 lbs and only 5’4″.
One day something clicked for me and I started losing weight. Through Weight Watchers and Jazzercise (don’t judge) I lost 100 lbs. I ran my first (and thus far only) marathon in 2006. That year I hit my goal weight and was dating as much as possible. Because…as you may know…husbands don’t just show up on your doorstep.
It took a good long time for my head to catch-up with my body. I shopped at Lane Bryant until I realized that I didn’t fit into their smallest sizes. When I started shopping at Express and Banana Republic I was always pulling sizes that were way too big. But when I held them up in front of me they looked teensy. I had to have some “come to Jesus” shopping trips with my girlfriends during which they had to actually stop me from pulling sizes and do it themselves. I just could not get it through my thick, and still fat, mind that I was wearing a size 8. Because…let me be clear…for a couple of years I was wearing a size 24.
Please hold while I actually shudder to think about it.
When I met my husband I was wearing the most fabulous BCBG taffeta party dress with phenomenal heels. I had recently purchased almost an entirely new wardrobe for myself and I was having so much fun dressing myself, shopping for myself, and allowing my brain to catch-up to my body.
When my husband and I hit some pretty tough challenges early on in our relationship, however, I gained some weight back. I went up and down over the years…losing some for the wedding, gaining it back, losing again, and gaining again. I didn’t feel big, but when I saw pictures I didn’t like what I saw. Somehow my mind got stuck on my smaller size and wasn’t registering what I was seeing in the mirror. I’d had to buy bigger clothes again, nothing huge by any means, but the size 8 pants were relegated to the back of my closet. Further back they went as time went on. This past spring when my mom and I decided it was time for a serious weight loss adventure I had hit 40 lbs over what I was when I’d hit my goal in 2006. Yikers.
So I’ve been struggling. Lots going on in our lives. But I’ve continued to work pretty hard to stay on-track. Today I got to work and there was an email from one of my girlfriends that said “You’re just so ‘Sex and the City’ and I’m so NOT.” Man…I feel about as far away from Sex and the City as possible. I knew I was getting smaller but the other sh-t we’re dealing with has taken precedence. I haven’t felt Sex and the City, mentally or physically, in a good long time. I’ve felt like…what’s a good analogy…I’ve felt like someone wearing acid wash mom jeans with bad hair and frosty pink lipstick (and not in an awesome nostalgic hot 80s chick kind of way).
And for the record…the girlfriend that wrote those words? She will always be SO Sex and the City in my mind.
The truth is, however, that physically I am a lot littler. To the point where my jammies don’t even fit. My skinny jeans are too big. I have two pairs of ankle pants I bought to tide me over until I lost all 40 lbs and both pairs are now too big. So tonight when I got home I decided to just try my old pants. My dating pants. My 2006 pants. My Sex and the City days pants. My…ahem…size 8 pants. And they fit. I don’t mean I could get them over my hips and barely button them fit. I mean they actually fit. So then I got crazy and tried a wicked cute Bebe dress I wore to the first gala my husband and I attended together. Not only did it fit, but it’s roomy.
Dress to wear for our anniversary dinner next week? Check.
This one time? When I’ve been struggling with other stuff in my life? It may be time to just take a cue from my physical appearance, which is great right now, and feel good about what I’ve accomplished. I haven’t lost the 40 yet…I’ve lost 29.75…but I’m getting there. And it makes me feel more Sex and the City than I have in a long time.
Tomorrow I’ll go to work…but not in oversized ankle pants or a dress to hide the fact that everything is too big. I will go in the most fabulous grey tweed wide leg dress pants. And it’s going to be amazing.
TODAY: What if I take a second to appreciate my hard work in losing weight and becoming more healthful? What if I celebrate my newly expanded wardrobe (three pairs of old pants) and strut my stuff?