The. Way. I. Make. Me. Feel.

So, as you know I’ve been on this weight loss adventure.  I started in June and have lost 30 of my desired 40 lbs.  I feel and look great.  I’ve been “forced” to buy new clothes.  It’s been a fabulous transformation.

You know what is not fabulous?  The f-cking ten lbs that I still have to lose.  Not because it’s impossible.  Not because it’s any different from the first 30 in terms of what I have to do.  Not because of anything except my mind seems to have other plans.  I do great for three or four days in a row, eat perfectly, lose quickly, and then I decide I really want to have a tuna sub at Subway.  Or a chicken sandwich and fries at Wendy’s.  Or a cookie.  And then I justify it.

I deserve it after working so hard!
I just want to eat normal!
I look and feel good enough already!  And all the women’s lib BS that goes along with this one.

Umm…yeah…all of those things might be true but then I overcompensate, eat four donuts when someone (this girl) stupidly brings them to the office to impress her new colleagues, or I decide that I want to have a latte…or two…or five in a week’s time.  And then I feel like sh-t because I haven’t eaten poorly for months on end and now I’ve had donuts, and lattes, and maybe some other things too.  And then I need to eat a sleeve of saltines and drink 7-Up because, obviously, I’ve made myself sick for crying out loud.  And then, the last ten lbs I have to lose turns into 13 or 15 lbs.  And that usually brings me back to doing well for a few days.

I’m.  An.  Idiot.

So this is actually not a post about weight loss…but the point is this.  The things I do sometimes have nothing to do with how I actually want to feel.  And that just seems wrong.

Recently I was emailing with a girlfriend, and she was weighing out options for her next move.  Rent?  Own?  Stay put?  I love giving advice because in most cases, when I have really good insight, it comes back to bite me in the a-s when I’m being ridiculous.  In one of my responses I was telling her to think about the differences and think about how each of them would feel at the end of the day.  Because in the end, THAT is what matters, right?

Friends?  I have four loads of laundry that need to be folded (I’m not exaggerating when I say I’ve had baskets of clean clothes waiting to be folded for two weeks or more).  I have a “big” grocery shopping trip to make.  I would really like to start writing every day again.  I have…gulp…work to do (this new gig is no joke).  There are thank you cards I need to write.  My house needs cleaning.  My girls need new homework calendars made and hung-up.  I have a birthday party to plan (because 37 deserves a party as far as I’m concerned).  I have a weight loss adventure with which I need to get reacquainted.  And the list goes on and on.

I don’t want to feel like I’m not getting sh-t done.  I don’t want to feel like I’m failing.  I don’t want to feel sick because I ate too many donuts.  I want to feel accomplished, and healthful, and up to date on the tasks at hand.

But I’m not acting that way.  I’m acting like I want to feel behind, like a loser, and fat or sick…one of the two.

It took a reminder on Facebook today from Danielle LaPorte.  She’s awesome…you should check her out when you aren’t, you know, folding clothes or correcting homework or working.  She had a status update that said “doing what needs to be done to feel the way I want to feel.”  It was then that I remembered my email advice to my girlfriend.  It was then that I wiped the powdered sugar off my lips (and sweater and leggings…it’s like it leaps from the donut so there’s proof that I cheated on my diet).  And I thought to myself ‘well this is bullsh-t…I should probably get my act together!’

I’m going to wake up tomorrow with a new commitment to acting and doing the things that need to be done to feel the way I want to feel.  It only makes sense (duh).  There can be no magic making when I’m doing everything in my power to feel terrible, both mentally and physically.

TODAY:  What if I refocus my efforts to make myself feel the way I want to feel?

PS – Yes, yes, I know…the YEAR of what if is over.  And I have a post in me somewhere that reflects on that year.  And transitions to the new blog.  But I’m not there yet…so for now I’m going to post in both places, because why not confuse people, and soon enough I will make the switch.  Bear with me?


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