MAMACADABRA

Yeah, yeah, I know I just said I was feeling so great and stress-free.  That’s still the case but I’m having a day.

I think I’m supposed to be doing more.  More what, exactly?  I don’t have any idea.  I have fleeting thoughts, of course, grandiose ideas…but they pass and I’m still stuck feeling like I haven’t yet determined the path on which I will end up (I do believe it’s up to me to determine this).  The path that will lead me to the kind of greatness I fully expect to achieve.  No, I’m not saying I’m expecting something big to drop in my lap and I’ll suddenly be terribly successful.  I’m not in my 20s after all.  But really…there is more…of this I am certain.

I don’t know how I lucked out in the family/friends/husband department to the extent that I did but they are, in a word, remarkable.  Lucky for me (lucky may not be the right word?) I have a husband and some good friends who won’t simply tell me what I want to hear.  They tell me the truth.  Because I’m so verbose and so prone to over-analyzing, I often throw things out to them to see how they will respond.  I put feelers out there.  Today, as I’ve wondered what it is I think I’m missing, I sent emails to the people who know me best.  Their answers were not as clear cut as I’d hoped.

I was hoping for a “you need to do THIS.  Obviously.”  Two of my closest confidents, one here and one in San Diego (I only specify because it proves they aren’t in cahoots), told me the exact same thing.  They think I have some significant decisions to make prior to figuring out what my “more” entails.  They fully agree there is more…but what that more involves is still an unknown.  Uh-huh.  How is that helpful?

I kid.  Kind of.

My husband thinks I go through this every six months or so…right when I’m about to do something really big but get too scared.  Then he thinks I retreat and start panicking.

I spent the day thinking about the responses from those I love and, frankly, I think they all have good points.  Which leaves me with no idea how to move forward.  Thanks for that, friends.  Thanks for that.

I kid.  Kind of.

So tonight I sit, listening to my little girls’ playing Barbies with their friends and giggling, and giggling, and giggling…a sound that would typically make me smile and enjoy anything I was doing (even laundry), and I wonder what in the world I’m supposed to be doing here on this earth.  Because I know…I KNOW…there is more.

TODAY:  What if today isn’t the day that I make any life altering decisions?