A. Wrinkle. In. My. Wrinkle. Free. Plan.

Scene:  Sunday Afternoon, Two Weeks Ago, Macy’s Cosmetics Department

First let me establish that I am a SUCKER for skin care/make-up products.  If there is any reason for me to believe that one product will do better by me than another, I will try it in a heartbeat.

I was out of eye cream and moisturizer.  I have been using Origins for years but for some reason I felt like there has to be something better, perhaps cheaper, that I can switch to.  So two weeks ago, on a Sunday, my husband and I ventured out to the mall.  One of our “happy places.”  The goal was to have a civilized conversation with Clinique about their eye cream…I’d heard it was good…and to talk to them about moisturizer.  I had prepped myself not to do anything drastic.  Have I told you about the infamous Washington, DC Bobby Brown incident of 2002?  I shudder at the memory.

Recently, my Macy’s added a Kiehl’s counter.  Ahhhh Kiehl’s.  We have a history Kiehl’s and I.  When I was single (i.e. wealthier) I used Kiehl’s body wash and lip balm.  Luxuries I was allowed because the only mouth I had to feed was my own.  Back in the day I had to go to either the Mall of America or, as Cousin A and I call “heaven,” Neiman Marcus downtown.  Out of the way and incredibly pricey…no problem for a single girl.  Those days are in the past, however, so I’ve never stopped at the new fancy counter.

On this particular Sunday afternoon, as we walked into Macy’s, I saw the Kiehl’s counter and when a woman with a French accent called out to me, all plans and mental preparation went quickly out the window.  Obviously.  I tried to stand my ground.  I explained that I’d been happily using Origins for a number of years but that I had some concerns.  I asked her to please tell me about her moisturizers and eye creams, and to tell me the costs.  When a woman with a French accent tries to sway you towards one skin care line over another, and her face is wrinkle free even though she’s at least ten years older, you listen.  Or at least I do.

Turns out there is a plant in some far away country.  When it dies, simply one drop from another of the same plant will bring it back to life.  BRING.  IT.  BACK.  TO.  LIFE.  Logic would suggest that using ingredients from that plant in moisturizer and eye cream could rejuvenate elasticity.  Right?  Smooth out the lines that are starting to show themselves.  RIGHT?!!

So yes, of course the line of products with the amazing foreign plant was the most expensive.  And OF COURSE that meant I’d be spending more than I had already been spending on product.  And by this time my husband had excused himself, not without rolling his eyes, to go elsewhere in the mall.

But you guys.  Her accent!  Her amazing skin!  The wistful memories of using Kiehl’s when I was footloose and fancy free (and could survive on yogurt, popcorn, and Diet Coke!  It was all too much.  Two products.  Triple digits.  A bag full of samples for additional products I would most likely HAVE to have.  I nearly skipped out into the mall because I was pretty sure my face would look at least six years younger in a matter of weeks.  Success!

Scene:  This Morning, My Bathroom

So here’s the thing.  Each morning I wake up thinking that today, TODAY, will be the day that the product kicks in and I don’t look like the Carrie Bradshaw magazine cover titled “40 and Fabulous?” with her looking old and hungover.  And yet…as of this morning…the day has still not arrived.  My fine-barely-there-lines seem more pronounced.  Which is funny because one of the samples was for plumping up fine lines.  My eyes are so puffy and dark.  Which, again, is funny because I have a sample of night eye cream specifically designed to reduce puffiness.  My skin looks pale, and tired, and…oy…old.

As I just asked Cousin A…WHAT.  IN.  THE.  MOTHER.  F-CK?!!!!

I know it takes time for skin to adjust to a new regimen.  I understand that.  But I am not kidding when I say that I feel I look older each day and frankly?  It’s making me very very sad.  I have FULL JARS of this magic-plant-potion that is not doing anything but the opposite of what I want it to.  If I were near a bed I would dramatically fall on it draping my arm over my face.  What is a girl to do?!

If anyone has miracle product…please share.  I don’t mind spending the money if it, oh I don’t know, WORKS.

Okay.  Done venting now.  Sigh.


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