A couple of weeks ago I was home sick for two days. I was actually sick for nearly two weeks (hence the lack of blog posts) but for two days I was home, in bed, in the middle of the week. In those two days I hunkered down in my bed, turned up the heat, and blew through three books. When in the world does anyone have an opportunity to blow through three books?!
In one of them, a man returns to his childhood neighborhood and visits the home of a little girl who saved his life when he was a boy. In fact, she sacrificed her own life to save his. When he visits her house he finds her mother and grandmother still there and in their conversation one of them asks if the sacrifice of their daughter/granddaughter had been worth it. The man was divorced, had a strained relationship with his children, and was mildly unhappy making the question a hard one to answer.
The question “was it worth it” has been ringing in my head ever since.
In fact the thought “be worthy” has been popping into my head over and over and over…to the point that I want it tattooed on my body. But unlike how I might have thought about this in the past, I am not referring to being “a better version of myself.” I’m not wringing my hands thinking I should be doing MORE, or doing BETTER, or that I should be skinnier, or working harder, or being a better mom or a better wife. I’m not stuck in my head thinking that I need to address all the things that I’m not (a place I’ve surely been before).
No. I mean this on a much more basic yet important level. Be. Worthy.
There are so many things for which I feel a great deal of gratitude. I am privileged in nearly every aspect of my life. Something I’ve been thinking about since reading that line in that book is that while I’m grateful for many many things, I don’t do very much to ensure those things remain in my life.
I’ve always been the kind of girl that needs to make a plan. And then, in turn, to make grand proclamations about the plan. Whether it’s “I’m going to run this many miles by this day!” or “I’m going to lose this many pounds by this date and it will be amazing!” or “I’m going to volunteer for this organization and for that!” or “by this date I will have accomplished this and this while doing hot yoga, meditating, cooking, learning to dance, and writing thank you notes all at the same time!” Plans and proclamations instill a sense of urgency and importance…things I’ve always needed to get my motivation stirring. But plans and proclamations and urgency don’t lend themselves to long term success or happiness or peace.
Of course life is a journey that we each have to maneuver in our own ways. Being grateful is one thing. But being grateful should be accompanied by respecting the hell out of the things for which I’m grateful, and intentionally encouraging their maintained existence. Being worthy means working to strengthen and enhance already great relationships instead of just being happy and complacent in the fact that they exist. It means rejoicing in good health by becoming even more healthful. Loving even harder to be sure those around me are able to be grateful for the love I send their way. Leaving fear outside my front door and letting it run rampant elsewhere. Listening to the quiet intuition in my heart and actually believing it. Finding satisfaction and peace in the awesomeness that already exists instead of searching for more and more and more. And settling into this life-long journey with intention, courage, and a confidence that I am actively being worthy of the life and blessings I’ve been given.
TODAY: What if in addition to being grateful I embark on a life-long mission to truly be worthy?