It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
Okay, worst of times is an exaggeration. It is most certainly NOT the worst of times by any means.
It was the best of times, it was the not super awesome of times.
Better. Also, it’s like I am Dickens, amiright???
It is my birthday week. I KNOW!!! If you know me at all, or have ever followed this blog, you know I am a birthday person. I’ve never shied away from my age – I will be 44 tomorrow thank you very much – and I’ve always loved celebrating my birthday and those of the people I love. I woke up on Monday and felt like I might burst with excitement. I’ve always identified with the numbers 4, 44, and 444. And, obviously, for that reason I assume that my 44th year is going to be nothing short of magical, epic, and one for the books.
The year has already been amazing – for me. I mean, aside from what is happening in the world, because…yeah. In the land of Carrie, however, it’s been a really great year. I’m writing again, I’m meditating 1-2 times per day, I am in-tune with what I want and where I’m going – I’m in the zone. I feel great, mentally and physically, and I see so many opportunities and wonderful things just around the corner. I’ve been feeling so lucky!
You’ll imagine my surprise when, in a preliminary run through of my taxes, it doesn’t look good. That, my friends, is an understatement. Oy vey. I’m very very hopeful that I messed something up royally and that the numbers are wrong (it’s not often you’ll find me desperately hoping that I am wrong). I’ll find out soon enough but the fear that I did everything right and I really do owe the amount of taxes it says is weighing on me like a heavy. Black. Fog. I fear or seriously worry about very little in life, and I mean logically I know that even if this is true, it’s going to be FINE. But oh my gosh, it was quite a blow when I was flying high and feeling unstoppable.
I recovered a little, kept meditating, kept writing, kept looking at just the ridiculous amount of things for which I am grateful, and I felt good. Still a bit terrified about what my tax lady will tell me, but I felt good. We went to vote as a family last night, one of my all time favorite things to do, and I felt like things were going to be okay.
This morning I was on my way to work, listening to Nas “If I Ruled the World,” when I got into a super minor car accident. No injuries, not a big deal, but it felt like yet another thing. Something else to knock me off of my high horse (I didn’t even think of myself as being on a high horse until I felt like I’d been shot down off of one).
And to be honest, being knocked around when life is just meh is one thing. But being knocked down when things have felt SO aligned, SO in-tune, SO wonderfully right – that is a mother f-cker.
I mean, I thought the Universe and I were GOOD. I thought God and I were seeing eye to eye on things.
Did I miss a memo?
I’m quite sure there is a lesson here somewhere. How to deal with hard things that, inevitably, life will throw my way when things have been otherwise so great? I’m sure it’s a skill I should have, or there are tools I should employ to feel back on track, but I’m not certain what those are. Other than just continuing to meditate, having my quiet time and listening to the quiet voice inside, and know that things really will be okay and lovely no matter what (which I do believe, of course).
Or, MAYBE it was a way for the Universe to really punctuate the difference between being 43 (today) and being 44 (tomorrow)? I should probably buy lottery tickets first thing in the morning. Who knows, my 44th year could start with a lottery win. It could happen!