MAMACADABRA

Every day I send some of my closest friends an email titled “Comedic Work Situation of the Day” in which I describe the most inane goings on of my office for each particular day. I learned long ago that no matter the day, something ridiculous/unprofessional/unbelievable will happen, and the only way I’ve been able to stay sane is to make fun of it through descriptive emails to my girlfriends. They’ve come to the conclusion that I work in a zoo. They aren’t far off.

Over the past couple weeks I’ve started to admit to myself out loud what I’ve known all along. It’s probably not a GOOD sign that I’m sending Comedic Work Situation of the Day emails. In fact, that’s likely a BAD sign. Furthermore the fact that I have to wait until the end of each day to send it, for fear that something MORE inane will happen as the day wears on, is probably an even worse sign.

It’s not good.

As per usual, I’ve shared my disappointment with those close to me in an effort to gauge if I’M crazy or if THEY are crazy, but I’ve not done one single thing to extricate myself from the situation. So this morning I did what any self respecting girl who is pretty sure she hates her job would do…I sent a Thursday Morning Poll.

I’ve started to send them each week to ask my girlfriends their feelings on particular topics. This morning I emailed my girlfriends to ask if they liked their jobs. I asked if they liked what they did, if they felt appreciated, if they felt like they were good at what they did, if they enjoyed the company of their colleagues, and if they could do anything else (realistic) what would it be.

I have good news and I have bad news.

The good news is that…WOW…most of my girlfriends like their jobs. I mean…I was NOT expecting that. Most of them feel appreciated, enjoy their colleagues, feel like they are good at their jobs, and aside from the normal BS that comes with being stuffed in an office with people not of your choice for most of the hours in our days, they are…dare I say…happy.

Now…yes. There were a couple who admitted to feeling trapped in their current roles. One would kill to go to school to get her Masters Degree but doesn’t feel like she can. Another has found herself in a career, and an organization that feels like family, but if given the opportunity she’d do something completely different.

She wasn’t alone. ALL of them would be doing something COMPLETELY different if given the opportunity. But regardless of that, for the most part, they are happy with their jobs.

Here is the bad news. While reading my girlfriends’ responses today it became perfectly clear that a) I’m in the wrong place, b) the things with which I’m dealing are NOT normal, c) I already have enough material to write the next “Office Space” (as Eh has suggested) without having to put in more time, and d) what all of this means is that I need to…cue scary music…look for something new.

Oy. I can’t tell you how sad this makes me. THIS was supposed to be THE ONE. And it isn’t. THIS was supposed to be a place that I could put in many many years of great work. It seemed so perfect. It is so not perfect.

When I think about going through the process of finding something new I die a little inside. It seems like a lot of work. And here, my friends, is where my crippling fear of failure creeps in. What if I find something, think it sounds great, make the change, and find myself in this same position in six months? If so, is it even worth the work? What if I just “forgot” how to work? What if I can’t be successful anywhere? What if my flexibility to pick my little girls up from the bus will no longer be an option? What if I get something great and they hate me? What if…what if…what if. I already feel a bit like a failure for not figuring out how to make THIS work. How can I possibly set myself up to fail elsewhere???

Logically, I can back-up and see that this is not the place for me, and I can say that another organization will be incredibly lucky to have me. It’s just that this logic doesn’t stick around for long.

Tonight my husband and I were out to dinner and that bastard had the audacity to tell me to get over my fear of failure, open my mind, and look at EVERY possibility. He told me to stop waiting for it to get better and to find something better. I hate when he’s right and when that requires me to get off my a-s and do something about it.

So scary.

So terrifying.

And oh does it feel like a lot of work. But what’s worse…looking for something that is a better fit OR continuing to send “Comedic Work Situation of the Day” emails for another six months (or one more single day) because it’s the only way to put a positive light on what I’m doing for eight hours each day.

I know, I know, the answer is clear. Son of a…

TODAY: What if it’s time to look for something new? What if there really IS something better for me out there?